This friendslop sensation golf game is actively making me a worse person

Super Battle Golf is one of those games where the title tells you exactly what to expect. There’s the gentle, professional game of golf where you enter a multiplayer lobby with a golf club, a ball, and a hole off in the distance. That’s all a golf game really needs; just throw in a couple of lakes and sand traps, and you’re Arnold Palmer. 

But there’s that whole “Battle” part of the equation, and it quickly becomes apparent that it’s not a polite suggestion. This is the new friendslop game that’s taking over streams and social media, and it’s built to enrage every single player in the lobby. Technically, you can “win” the game by sinking your ball first. However, I would venture that playing the game itself is a loss, in the same way descending into one of Dante’s levels of Hell is a loss.

My husband got into Super Battle Golf first, and I’m a nice spouse who wants to nurture his interests, so I downloaded the game and dove into some public lobbies with him. I’ll grant you this: playing in a full lobby full of friends is probably a touch less... aggressive? Perhaps it’s just the lobbies that my husband and I entered, but this game really seems to bring the worst out of random strangers. At one point, I was lining up a shot on the green, only to hear a grown man scream into his mic: “AAAARGH! YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME MAD!!” Deeply concerning! He already seemed pretty mad, so I don’t know what it means to be on the cusp of an even deeper anger.

You see, Super Battle Golf allows you to knock an opponent’s knee out with a golf club, or bean them in the back of the head with a perfect golf ball shot. Each hole is also littered with Mario Kart-esque power-ups, that give you tools like coffee that makes you run very quickly, or springy boots that allow you to jump over the competition. Or, you could get a golf cart, which allows you to commit constant vehicular manslaughter against anyone in your way. At first, you might hesitate at shooting your opponent with an elephant gun. I assure you, your civilized instincts will fade away within one round in a public match. 

During one match with my husband and a crowd of randoms, the lobby lead drove a golf cart through a throng of players trying to carefully putt their ball into the hole. “This is my lobby,” he said in a monotone voice. This pattern would repeat itself throughout all the courses. You’d be hit with an orbital laser, only to hear a “This is my lobby,” on the wind. At one point, he jogged up behind me and knocked me over with his golf club, then planted mines around me so I would be ragdolled for several seconds upon rising. “This is my lobby,” he repeated, vanishing over a hill.

Some people might think it’s weird to have your date night circle around finding a lobby full of strangers called “its heated rivalry but for golf” and then causing havoc, but consider: I’ve been with my husband for like, twenty years, so we’re doing something right.

There are some games that are designed to be fun, but turn people evil. I’m thinking of Hearthstone here; presumably, the intended result of playing Hearthstone is not that I become low-level angry and continually threaten my opponent. Super Battle Golf, on the other hand, wants you to be mad. It relishes it. There are little design cues that are clearly meant to inspire a deep sense of malevolence and evil in normal gamers. For instance, large lobbies will often have a crowd of people trying to make the final putts into the hole. Not only are these shots disrupted by the usual factors like a missile launcher or a rogue golf cart, but every time another player sinks a ball, there’s a little ripple effect that disrupts your shot.

In short, this is a game with all of the charm of Peak or REPO, except instead of having fun with your friends against a common enemy, you’re really pitted against yourself. How mad are you going to get when you’re desperately trying to make a delicate little putt while a crowd of rascals are deliberately fucking with you out of pure spite? Making matters even worse, when another player finishes the round successfully, they start doing that stupid Fortnite dance with the L over the forehead. It incenses me. I yearn for violence. 

I’m probably going to keep playing Super Battle Golf with my husband, because again, I love him, and I am a nice spouse who loves their partner. But holy shit, I don’t think this exposure is doing anything good for me. They say that you are good at what you practice, and Super Battle Golf is teaching me to practice needless, concentrated spite. I kind of feel like this game needs to be restricted, hidden away behind a sign that says “There is nothing of value here; there is no honor” like we’re dealing with nuclear materials. Making this game is downright irresponsible, and playing it is a great way to embolden your worst beliefs about other human beings.