The Onion releases Voter Simulator 3D on Steam for free

Democracy is very important. Tonight, my husband and I are going to go out to vote in our local elections, and you should definitely keep on top of your local races as well. Thank goodness, we finally have a game to help us practice this duty, and it comes for free from the good folks at the Onion. Voting Simulator 3D is the only game I've personally played with a bald eagle option in the menu that plays a patriotic screech, but there's lots more to explore in the game's two modes: Voting Mode and Stay At Home Mode.

I downloaded Voting Simulator 3D off Steam, chose Stay At Home mode, and chose to masturbate to the internet and smoke a bong at the same time. My screen flashed red and my character grunted from taking damage, and then I was told I was now too dirty to masturbate, and had to clean up in the sink. After sitting down and spilling a burrito all over myself, I went to bed and completed Stay at Home mode. Nice!

Voting Mode is a much more exciting premise: I can stand in line, consider my looming mortality, call my ex to see who they voted for while I wait in line, and unlock the Jefferson boots of double jumping. Unfortunately, I tried to steal some stickers from the voting booth, and the cops were immediately called and began to shoot me, so that was quite alarming. I uncovered all sorts of secrets, but I shan't spoil the surprise.

This is obviously a silly game, but it offers plenty of opportunities to wander out of bounds, discover sinister secrets, and contemplate the importance of our national institutions. I'm still not sure why this middle school gym has a giant nuclear bomb in the middle with Big Mommy written on it, or why I can use it to vaporize the entire city, but it's that sense of discovery that makes gaming so wonderful. There are thirty activities to uncover in Voting Simulator 3D, and they're all ridiculous. It's rad to see The Onion try their hand at gaming, even if I suspect this isn't historically accurate to the American voting experience. [Editor's note: We've assured our Cass, our local Canadian, that this does actually sound fairly representative of the average American voting experience.]